Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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