my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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