FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
