Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
