I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize