he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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