Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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