Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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