I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
