I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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