you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
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