I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
