My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Randomize
