My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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