Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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