sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Randomize
