did you get engaged???
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
