In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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