i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
