Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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