brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
