make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
