The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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