So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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