YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
