omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
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if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
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I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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