Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
