she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
