I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Randomize
