They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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