I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
