I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'm like, not good at living.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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