apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
