Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
