I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
