He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Randomize
