If i come over, it means nothing
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
