Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
