He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
