There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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