And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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