forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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