Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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