I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
