Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
