It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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