this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
