Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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