Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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