So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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