it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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