She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
