Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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