a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
