Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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