4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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