I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
How does it feel to date your dad?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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